Who's The Boss
Game #2826: Make me LAUGH!!!
This private game is moderated by JJPutz. Please read the rules and contact the moderator with any questions or concerns about this game.
This game finished in 4 rounds.
RFM me o.o
4 mandies? I thought for sure DP and faheem would last longer...guess not
4 mandies? I thought for sure DP and faheem would last longer...guess not
Nobody's made me laugh yet, but SirHar's Made me rage. Sorry, DOESN'T COUNT.
Post from JJPutz deleted on 2012-07-02 13:09:43.
4 mandatories, which means we learn nothibg this round. We should definately try to clear someone this round, hopefully we got all the inactives out of the way this roubd. The boss sounds confideent, borderng on arrogant with his (jj kept assigning male gender to the boss last round) assertion he could win the game alone without the rat.
I don't know lex, don't even know if it is a male or female, but will start the voting off there as a totally random, just to get a vote in in case I'm not bacck, vote.
---This message was edited on 2012-07-02 08:49:51---
Maybe the dog only brings the ball back because he thinks you like throwing it.
I don't know lex, don't even know if it is a male or female, but will start the voting off there as a totally random, just to get a vote in in case I'm not bacck, vote.
---This message was edited on 2012-07-02 08:49:51---
Maybe the dog only brings the ball back because he thinks you like throwing it.
OMG I'm not the boss
I'm WYSE, in name and in life application.
I'm WYSE, in name and in life application.
I say we clear Lex as that is a good place to start
---This message was edited on 2012-07-02 09:29:55---
Like what you love, and love what you got.
---This message was edited on 2012-07-02 09:29:55---
Like what you love, and love what you got.
I refer to everybody as a male, as my natural gender. The boss can be a she. I'm not
saying that the boss is male/female, but the boss is definetly male/female.
Just a thought but I am not necessarily thinking that JJ cleared kaldridge last round. Why would a mod not want tsomeone to be voted for? Maybe kald is the boss and JJ did not want game to be over in round one. Just a thought to ponder
Like what you love, and love what you got.
Like what you love, and love what you got.
Lol LH I sort of thought the same thing but dismissed the idea quickly. May revisit the idea though. The heavy moderator involvment would bolster that theory. What do others think on this subject?
---This message was edited on 2012-07-02 11:36:37---
Maybe the dog only brings the ball back because he thinks you like throwing it.
---This message was edited on 2012-07-02 11:36:37---
Maybe the dog only brings the ball back because he thinks you like throwing it.
I think kal is cleared, but we might revisit that later in the game...
Anyway, I think the boss is kind of for lack of a better word noobish. Also based on the memo they are probably in or was recently in a game with dp. That would be
me
lex
max
sadface
and peindo.
Lex and max are in har's "group 3" so we might want to place our clear votes here.
With kids you spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 15 years telling them to sit down and be quiet.
Anyway, I think the boss is kind of for lack of a better word noobish. Also based on the memo they are probably in or was recently in a game with dp. That would be
me
lex
max
sadface
and peindo.
Lex and max are in har's "group 3" so we might want to place our clear votes here.
With kids you spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 15 years telling them to sit down and be quiet.
HABS, I just saw your post from last round. You should do anothre one of those gamse soon, or let somebody else start it if you want to play in it.I volunteer...as mod after this game.
I was the boss the past two games I played. I don't think I would be able to be the boss three times in a row... I'm a girl btw.
"You can't fight progress, no matter how strange it sounds." -Miriam Stockley, voice provider for the VOCALOID Miriam
"You can't fight progress, no matter how strange it sounds." -Miriam Stockley, voice provider for the VOCALOID Miriam
Post from JJPutz deleted on 2012-07-02 14:55:31.
jj feel free to do it if you'd like. Unlike some mods, I have no problem with others taking one of my ideas. As long as you have ACTIVE players who understand and will adbide by the no firings and vote for yourself rules. I thought it worked fairly well. If you do, I'll play in it.
Maybe the dog only brings the ball back because he thinks you like throwing it.
Maybe the dog only brings the ball back because he thinks you like throwing it.
A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
I will vote for lex with everyone else for now.
I'm back
Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
I will vote for lex with everyone else for now.
I'm back
Im not getting any good jokes...
Coinjar, no one was cleared last round as there were too many mandatory firings to tell us anything. The only "clear" kal got was from the mod. LH and I are suggesting that it is possible that JJ was trying to remove susppicion from the boss to prevent the game ending in round 1. There is no other obvious reason for him to tell us not to pole our votes on Kal. Especially since he didn't try to prevent the second majority. And knoowing there would be a large number of mandies, a majority in round one would only be an issue if it were on the boss. Just my random musings.
Maybe the dog only brings the ball back because he thinks you like throwing it.
Maybe the dog only brings the ball back because he thinks you like throwing it.
I did say it was useless to clear somebody in round one because rach was an INACTIVE...
JJPutz wrote:
Really jj..? Did you somehow miss my jokes?
Voting max.
With kids you spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 15 years telling them to sit down and be quiet.
Nobody's made me laugh yet, but SirHar's Made me rage. Sorry, DOESN'T COUNT.
Really jj..? Did you somehow miss my jokes?
Voting max.
With kids you spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 15 years telling them to sit down and be quiet.
Just read ur post habs... u might be right, the thought has crossed my mind.
With kids you spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 15 years telling them to sit down and be quiet.
With kids you spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 15 years telling them to sit down and be quiet.
JJPutz wrote:
Posted: 04:51PM Jun 30, 2012
--------------------------------------------
And why the early majority on kaldridge? The boss said he liked jeff dunham, kaldridge said he liked Walters. The boss has to tell the truth in psych question, right?
Id advise to clear somebody else this round.
Plus, with all the mandies in round one, should you really even bother clearing somebody in round one?
---This message was edited on 2012-07-01 11:38:26---
-------------------------------------------
Actually JJ you did sugest clearing someone but it had nothing to do with Rach....The last line was added as an edit.
Like what you love, and love what you got.
I did say it was useless to clear somebody in round one because rach was an INACTIVE...
Posted: 04:51PM Jun 30, 2012
--------------------------------------------
And why the early majority on kaldridge? The boss said he liked jeff dunham, kaldridge said he liked Walters. The boss has to tell the truth in psych question, right?
Id advise to clear somebody else this round.
Plus, with all the mandies in round one, should you really even bother clearing somebody in round one?
---This message was edited on 2012-07-01 11:38:26---
-------------------------------------------
Actually JJ you did sugest clearing someone but it had nothing to do with Rach....The last line was added as an edit.
Like what you love, and love what you got.
JJPutz wrote:
Im not getting any good jokes...
Come on, kaldridge's joke was funny
Like what you love, and love what you got.
Im not getting any good jokes...
Come on, kaldridge's joke was funny
Like what you love, and love what you got.
LH...read later on in the round 1.
why did suzy fall of the swing?
in whitebecause she had no arms and legs
knock knock
whos there
NOT SUZY!!!!
in whitebecause she had no arms and legs
knock knock
whos there
NOT SUZY!!!!
Jj you may have said the Rach thing later in the round, but you did jump quickly to Kal's defence. I don't think it is ever a waste to try to clear someone. You never know, you may get lucky and nail the boss straight away (as I suspect we may have done).
I have thought some of the jokes were amusing, though none are bust a gut funny. Even Hars made me giggle, "inappropriate as they may have been).
I guess we do have to remember that JJ is a young kid and what us older folk find funny, he may not. And we will most likely share his amusement with what makes him laugh. I don't even know aany 12 year olds to use as a baseline. All the kids I know are either early elementary/pre-school or mid/late teens. I don't have a clue at what is funny to the tween crowd.
Maybe the dog only brings the ball back because he thinks you like throwing it.
I have thought some of the jokes were amusing, though none are bust a gut funny. Even Hars made me giggle, "inappropriate as they may have been).
I guess we do have to remember that JJ is a young kid and what us older folk find funny, he may not. And we will most likely share his amusement with what makes him laugh. I don't even know aany 12 year olds to use as a baseline. All the kids I know are either early elementary/pre-school or mid/late teens. I don't have a clue at what is funny to the tween crowd.
Maybe the dog only brings the ball back because he thinks you like throwing it.
Just realised I could quote the text and read what was in white.
lfirst part not so amusing,, but the knock knock portion of it was somewhat amusing.
Maybe the dog only brings the ball back because he thinks you like throwing it.
lfirst part not so amusing,, but the knock knock portion of it was somewhat amusing.
Maybe the dog only brings the ball back because he thinks you like throwing it.
sad? did you find that joke in the toilet, or is it just your natural prescence? If it is, you'd get along great with my brother...
Post from JJPutz deleted on 2012-07-02 17:18:18.
I am getting all of 'today's hits and yesterday's favorites' pounded into my head. I was so glad when they had an Eminem song play a minute ago, but my mom turned it off because its 'innapropriate'. He only uses the 'f' bomb ONCE in When I'm gone...and besides, its a radio! They only play theclean version!
A girl once got lost near a river. She traveled up and down it searching for a way to get to the other side.
She tried walking in the shallow part of the river and she even tried grabbing onto a branch that stretched half way across the river to try to swing to the other side. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't get across.
After many failed attempts, she finally felt like giving up. Yet, at the last moment, she saw a person walking by and decided to follow her across the bridge.
__________________
Joey: Little Joey can't come to school today.
Principle: Why?
Joey: He is sick
Principle: Who is this?
Joey: It's my dad.
_________________
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Sorry
Sorry who?
Sorry wrong door.
_________________
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Scot
Scot who?
Scot nothing to do with you!
________________
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
_______________
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
______________
''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
_______________
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
______________
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
Like what you love, and love what you got.
She tried walking in the shallow part of the river and she even tried grabbing onto a branch that stretched half way across the river to try to swing to the other side. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't get across.
After many failed attempts, she finally felt like giving up. Yet, at the last moment, she saw a person walking by and decided to follow her across the bridge.
__________________
Joey: Little Joey can't come to school today.
Principle: Why?
Joey: He is sick
Principle: Who is this?
Joey: It's my dad.
_________________
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Sorry
Sorry who?
Sorry wrong door.
_________________
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Scot
Scot who?
Scot nothing to do with you!
________________
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
_______________
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
______________
''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
_______________
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
______________
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
Like what you love, and love what you got.
Lol good ones LH!
With kids you spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 15 years telling them to sit down and be quiet.
With kids you spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 15 years telling them to sit down and be quiet.
ANSWERING MACHINES
Hi! This is Jim. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
______
Hello! You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need a magazine subscription, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are already clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still listening, leave your name and number and they will get back to you
_______
Hello! You've reached Jim and Cathy. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Cathy likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you
______
COOL THING TO DO TO PEOPLE ON AN ELEVATOR
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
Put a cardboard box in the corner; when someone gets on ask them if they can hear ticking.
Open your purse slightly and say, "Do you have enough air in there?"
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it. quick!" then whistle innocently
__________
THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART
Make a trail of lemonade on the ground, leading to the restrooms
Stick price stickers to yourself and lay on the conveyer belt. When asked what you're doing, say, "I got hungry and ate all my food."
Put boxes of Poli-Dent in random shoppers' baskets
While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me!! pick me!!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Go into the dressing room and yell real loud "Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"
___________
RANDOM CRAZY THINGS TO DO DURING THE DAY
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for marijuana". (thanks to Bob Morse)
Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, PLEASE! All of you just shut up!".
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.
Play a tape of jungle sounds at work all day.
At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom (don't disguise your voice).
THESE MADE ME LAUGH.....I WILL POST MORE LATER
---This message was edited on 2012-07-02 16:20:20---
Like what you love, and love what you got.
Hi! This is Jim. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
______
Hello! You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need a magazine subscription, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are already clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still listening, leave your name and number and they will get back to you
_______
Hello! You've reached Jim and Cathy. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Cathy likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you
______
COOL THING TO DO TO PEOPLE ON AN ELEVATOR
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
Put a cardboard box in the corner; when someone gets on ask them if they can hear ticking.
Open your purse slightly and say, "Do you have enough air in there?"
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it. quick!" then whistle innocently
__________
THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART
Make a trail of lemonade on the ground, leading to the restrooms
Stick price stickers to yourself and lay on the conveyer belt. When asked what you're doing, say, "I got hungry and ate all my food."
Put boxes of Poli-Dent in random shoppers' baskets
While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me!! pick me!!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Go into the dressing room and yell real loud "Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"
___________
RANDOM CRAZY THINGS TO DO DURING THE DAY
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for marijuana". (thanks to Bob Morse)
Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, PLEASE! All of you just shut up!".
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.
Play a tape of jungle sounds at work all day.
At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom (don't disguise your voice).
THESE MADE ME LAUGH.....I WILL POST MORE LATER
---This message was edited on 2012-07-02 16:20:20---
Like what you love, and love what you got.
I shall vote for myself so I can be cleared. Some of the things people post are pretty funny!
"You can't fight progress, no matter how strange it sounds." -Miriam Stockley, voice provider for the VOCALOID Miriam
"You can't fight progress, no matter how strange it sounds." -Miriam Stockley, voice provider for the VOCALOID Miriam
THINGS TO SAY TO A TELEMARKETER
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you sure could use some money.
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, and my dog just died" when they try to get to the sale, just keep talking about your problems.
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
Cry out in surprise, "Judy, IS that you? Oh my God, Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
Say "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
If MCI or AT&T calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply in as sinister a voice as you can. "I don't have any friends. Would you be my friend?"
If the company cleans carpets, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him / her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.
Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh my God!" Then hang up.
Tell the telemarketer that you are busy at the moment and ask them to give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When they explain that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up.
Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
Tell the telemarketer you are "grounded" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "C'mon Leon, cut it out! Seriously Leon, how's your mom?"
If they are selling magazines, ask them if they come in Braille.
Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD DOWN.
This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ company" You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
___________________
Like what you love, and love what you got.
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you sure could use some money.
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, and my dog just died" when they try to get to the sale, just keep talking about your problems.
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
Cry out in surprise, "Judy, IS that you? Oh my God, Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
Say "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
If MCI or AT&T calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply in as sinister a voice as you can. "I don't have any friends. Would you be my friend?"
If the company cleans carpets, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him / her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.
Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh my God!" Then hang up.
Tell the telemarketer that you are busy at the moment and ask them to give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When they explain that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up.
Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
Tell the telemarketer you are "grounded" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "C'mon Leon, cut it out! Seriously Leon, how's your mom?"
If they are selling magazines, ask them if they come in Braille.
Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD DOWN.
This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ company" You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
___________________
Like what you love, and love what you got.
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...
I'm back
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...
I'm back
Cat Guide: Training Your Human
1. THROWING UP: If you have to throw up, get to a bed quickly. Barf in the middle of the quilt, preferably a good thick one that doesn't fit in the washer. It will give the human a chance to go to a launderette and spend more money. Add this cost to the total you're already costing them. It makes you feel treasured and expensive. If you cannot manage to get to a quilt, try a chair or an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot. Move around as much as possible to leave a glob, here, there and everywhere. Stand back and watch your mistress gag and swear while she tries to clean it up.
2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and scratch loudly. Once the door is opened, it is considered bad form to go through it.
After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. Take a good look around, pull your head back in. Look around the room. You don't have to decide quickly. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season. Most of the damn fools will hold the door until you get the lay of the land and see which way the wind blows. For a real treat, after several minutes, go back into the room, then look at them and say "what're you holding the damn door open for?"
3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that humans lap. If you can, attempt to have "Friskies Fish n'Glop" on your breath.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric colour which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats should go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to clothing or use a quick nip on the ankle. When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you always allow me on the table when company isn't here."
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. See rule 12 for correct bathroom behaviour.
4. WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, but is known to humans as hampering.
Following are the rules for hampering:
A. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can't be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled.
B. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a newspaper, claw at it until shredded, Your human will appreciate a home-made toy!
C. For knitting projects, curl up quietly onto the lap of the knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles or grab the yarn in your mouth- The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn, but don't be fooled by this manoeuvre. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.
D. For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
E. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump
5. PLAY: Play is important. Get enough steep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing catch mouse or king-of-the-hill on their bed between 2 AM and 4 AM. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.
PAPER BAGS: Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them.
SCRATCHING POSTS: The arms of their easy chairs are great places to scratch and claw the fabric. You need to leave your mark on the world. This always gets their attention. Hassocks are also good scratching posts. It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it.
HUMANS: Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.
6. FOOD:
LICK-IT DIET: Let them open another can of food. Lick-it dry. Smear it around the dish then turn your nose up at it. An hour later you can sit by the dish and look at it with disdain, meaning; you don't expect me to eat this dry rubbish, do you?
RUG BURN: Take chunks of food from the plate and drop it on the rug just inside the living room. This is always good to burn them up.
THE SMELL OF HELL: Wander gingerly over to the food they just put out. Stretch your neck out and smell it. Then look up at them with that look that says, "what is this rubbish?"
WHERE'S MY MILK?: Sit in front of the fridge with your back to them. Be patient because sometimes they won't get up until a commercial. Look over your shoulder at them with a pitiful look. They feel so guilty for making you wait, they'll give you the heavy cream.
CONFUSION SAY: Yes, I know I ate some of that this morning, but that was this morning. I don't want any more of that. Make them open another can of something different. Always keep them confused about your diet.
REDECORATE: A few spots of dried food look great on the carpet. The harder it gets, the harder they work!
BIRDS & MICE AND THINGS NOT NICE: Always bring home your quarry. Be sure to mess it up. Entrails are a nice touch. Leave it just outside the front door if possible. It's always good if they're not looking down and step on it. This is the Cat's Meow!
7. PEE TIME: Even if you don't have to go, time your visit for about 3 A.M. Climb on their bed and get in their face. Tickle them with your whiskers until they wake up. The old man probably had to pee anyway but was too lazy to get up. Make a stop by the fridge. It's always worth a try to see if he gives you some milk. If he does, you can always wake him again at 4 A.M.
8. FOIL & TOIL: A cigarette pack or a ball of foil is great to play with. Be sure to shred it and scatter the pieces. When the old lady is bent over picking up the scraps, you can chuckle at her backside. After all, they don't understand our language anyhow.
9. WALKING: The main object here is to get underfoot. It's also fun to startle them. As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills. Always act afraid of dogs in front of humans. They feel so sorry they pick you up to comfort you. Put on a big show and hang on for life.
10. HAIR TODAY, HAIR TOMORROW: If you have a bite, be sure to pull a few hairs out. Try to leave them against a nice background where someone is sure to sit. This is sure to get you a nice brushing. Most cats doze off while they are brushed. It's almost better than being petted.
11. ANOTHER CAT?: No way! Establish your territory early. Make that the intruder respects you. He'll give you lots of room and walk around you. When you know he wants to eat, go over and pick on the food so he has to wait. If you like his food, steal it. Deny him all privileges. Be sure to carry on if they give him any attention.
12. BATHROOMS: Always sit just around the corner of the door so they narrowly miss stepping on you. Smile as they trip, bang into a wall and curse. Hide under the table until they calm down and want to pet you and calm you down.
MOST IMPORTANT: Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. Good luck!
if you like this here is a link to even more funny cat stuff
Cat Humor
I'm back
1. THROWING UP: If you have to throw up, get to a bed quickly. Barf in the middle of the quilt, preferably a good thick one that doesn't fit in the washer. It will give the human a chance to go to a launderette and spend more money. Add this cost to the total you're already costing them. It makes you feel treasured and expensive. If you cannot manage to get to a quilt, try a chair or an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot. Move around as much as possible to leave a glob, here, there and everywhere. Stand back and watch your mistress gag and swear while she tries to clean it up.
2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and scratch loudly. Once the door is opened, it is considered bad form to go through it.
After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. Take a good look around, pull your head back in. Look around the room. You don't have to decide quickly. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season. Most of the damn fools will hold the door until you get the lay of the land and see which way the wind blows. For a real treat, after several minutes, go back into the room, then look at them and say "what're you holding the damn door open for?"
3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that humans lap. If you can, attempt to have "Friskies Fish n'Glop" on your breath.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric colour which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats should go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to clothing or use a quick nip on the ankle. When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you always allow me on the table when company isn't here."
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. See rule 12 for correct bathroom behaviour.
4. WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, but is known to humans as hampering.
Following are the rules for hampering:
A. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can't be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled.
B. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a newspaper, claw at it until shredded, Your human will appreciate a home-made toy!
C. For knitting projects, curl up quietly onto the lap of the knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles or grab the yarn in your mouth- The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn, but don't be fooled by this manoeuvre. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.
D. For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
E. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump
5. PLAY: Play is important. Get enough steep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing catch mouse or king-of-the-hill on their bed between 2 AM and 4 AM. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.
PAPER BAGS: Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them.
SCRATCHING POSTS: The arms of their easy chairs are great places to scratch and claw the fabric. You need to leave your mark on the world. This always gets their attention. Hassocks are also good scratching posts. It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it.
HUMANS: Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.
6. FOOD:
LICK-IT DIET: Let them open another can of food. Lick-it dry. Smear it around the dish then turn your nose up at it. An hour later you can sit by the dish and look at it with disdain, meaning; you don't expect me to eat this dry rubbish, do you?
RUG BURN: Take chunks of food from the plate and drop it on the rug just inside the living room. This is always good to burn them up.
THE SMELL OF HELL: Wander gingerly over to the food they just put out. Stretch your neck out and smell it. Then look up at them with that look that says, "what is this rubbish?"
WHERE'S MY MILK?: Sit in front of the fridge with your back to them. Be patient because sometimes they won't get up until a commercial. Look over your shoulder at them with a pitiful look. They feel so guilty for making you wait, they'll give you the heavy cream.
CONFUSION SAY: Yes, I know I ate some of that this morning, but that was this morning. I don't want any more of that. Make them open another can of something different. Always keep them confused about your diet.
REDECORATE: A few spots of dried food look great on the carpet. The harder it gets, the harder they work!
BIRDS & MICE AND THINGS NOT NICE: Always bring home your quarry. Be sure to mess it up. Entrails are a nice touch. Leave it just outside the front door if possible. It's always good if they're not looking down and step on it. This is the Cat's Meow!
7. PEE TIME: Even if you don't have to go, time your visit for about 3 A.M. Climb on their bed and get in their face. Tickle them with your whiskers until they wake up. The old man probably had to pee anyway but was too lazy to get up. Make a stop by the fridge. It's always worth a try to see if he gives you some milk. If he does, you can always wake him again at 4 A.M.
8. FOIL & TOIL: A cigarette pack or a ball of foil is great to play with. Be sure to shred it and scatter the pieces. When the old lady is bent over picking up the scraps, you can chuckle at her backside. After all, they don't understand our language anyhow.
9. WALKING: The main object here is to get underfoot. It's also fun to startle them. As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills. Always act afraid of dogs in front of humans. They feel so sorry they pick you up to comfort you. Put on a big show and hang on for life.
10. HAIR TODAY, HAIR TOMORROW: If you have a bite, be sure to pull a few hairs out. Try to leave them against a nice background where someone is sure to sit. This is sure to get you a nice brushing. Most cats doze off while they are brushed. It's almost better than being petted.
11. ANOTHER CAT?: No way! Establish your territory early. Make that the intruder respects you. He'll give you lots of room and walk around you. When you know he wants to eat, go over and pick on the food so he has to wait. If you like his food, steal it. Deny him all privileges. Be sure to carry on if they give him any attention.
12. BATHROOMS: Always sit just around the corner of the door so they narrowly miss stepping on you. Smile as they trip, bang into a wall and curse. Hide under the table until they calm down and want to pet you and calm you down.
MOST IMPORTANT: Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. Good luck!
if you like this here is a link to even more funny cat stuff
Cat Humor
I'm back
haha LzH some of thoe were pretty funny.
Maybe the dog only brings the ball back because he thinks you like throwing it.
Maybe the dog only brings the ball back because he thinks you like throwing it.
Well, LH, pretty good. You and kaldridge both deserve a clue...what'll it be?
Well now that I finished reading the long jokes, ill repost the voting list.
Voting List:
21kaldridge21: lex555218
Ankitankurddit: no post yet/inactive
Coinjar876: max318
HABS2933: lex555218
lex555218:lex555218
Longhorn Fan: lex555218
max318: no post yet/inactive
peindo:no post yet/inactive
sadface256:lex555218
SirHar:no post yet/inactive
wyse: none stated
Blue=none stated
Green=majority
Olive=secondary majority
Orange=random vote/fish
Red=not on yet
Purple=my color
And Brown is also my color. Enjoy, and there is no need to thank me. You're welcome.
---This message was edited on 2012-07-03 08:19:58---
Voting List:
21kaldridge21: lex555218
Ankitankurddit: no post yet/inactive
Coinjar876: max318
HABS2933: lex555218
lex555218:lex555218
Longhorn Fan: lex555218
max318: no post yet/inactive
peindo:no post yet/inactive
sadface256:lex555218
SirHar:no post yet/inactive
wyse: none stated
Blue=none stated
Green=majority
Olive=secondary majority
Orange=random vote/fish
Red=not on yet
Purple=my color
And Brown is also my color. Enjoy, and there is no need to thank me. You're welcome.
---This message was edited on 2012-07-03 08:19:58---
whenever you're ready just tell me LH
wow, wrere is everyone? It has been almost 11 hrss since the lat post; and more than 13 since there was a postt by anyone other than the mod.
Maybe the dog only brings the ball back because he thinks you like throwing it.
Maybe the dog only brings the ball back because he thinks you like throwing it.
4 MANDIES AGAIN!!!
What, do you guys really hate this game?
Round wont start till later in this afternoon/tommorrow cuz i gotta go to a dinosaur house with no wifi whatsoever.
What, do you guys really hate this game?
Round wont start till later in this afternoon/tommorrow cuz i gotta go to a dinosaur house with no wifi whatsoever.
Now my kindle is black and white and very slow...itll be like this for a while.
I dunno. There just isnt much to sAy right now, and I'm in the middle of an intense twg.
Jj do I get a clue or do you have no sense of humor? (it's one or the other)
With kids you spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 15 years telling them to sit down and be quiet.
Jj do I get a clue or do you have no sense of humor? (it's one or the other)
With kids you spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 15 years telling them to sit down and be quiet.
goodness. where is everyone?
Like what you love, and love what you got.
Like what you love, and love what you got.
My interconnection diddnt work last night ...I might be a mandi...
the stronger the fed govt gets the less you free you will be,,,,This is a no brainer...
the stronger the fed govt gets the less you free you will be,,,,This is a no brainer...
internet* connection wasn't working....
the stronger the fed govt gets the less you free you will be,,,,This is a no brainer...
the stronger the fed govt gets the less you free you will be,,,,This is a no brainer...
ah, Jeff we missed you
Like what you love, and love what you got.
Like what you love, and love what you got.
This stage in the game is so slow... I bet the boss is me.
With kids you spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 15 years telling them to sit down and be quiet.
With kids you spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 15 years telling them to sit down and be quiet.
Nice jokes by our candidates. And nice moderation being by done by our moderator.
I will join the majority being established on lex.
Sorry, I don't get much time out of work n study, so I am not able to make up to the game.
Regards.
I will join the majority being established on lex.
Sorry, I don't get much time out of work n study, so I am not able to make up to the game.
Regards.
Ahh sorry, I posted the above post, after the voting had been closed.
Not deleting the post, so that it does not show the scary deleted the post thing.
Not deleting the post, so that it does not show the scary deleted the post thing.
Follow Braingle!